The Guide to Ridiculously easy Entertaining - Tips from Marfreless
Relatively small get-togethers are where you might need to employ some skills and authority as host to ensure that one or more disruptive guests do not greatly detract from your event, especially when the majority of attendees are unencumbered (and sobered) by familial duties. With larger parties, these usually unintentionally annoying people can be avoided more successfully, or they are often intimidated into acceptable behavior by the greater numbers.
With this chapter, we try to identify some of the types of potentially disruptive guests that we have seen over the years, fairly humorously and in our opinionated fashion, without too much offense. Then we recommend an action on your part to mitigate their deleterious effect on your party. These people might be friends, or friends of friends (or possibly you, but it’s your party), who exhibit this behavior on a regular basis in social situations, or it could be one-off conduct induced by too many party beverages. It’s useful to note that a guest’s conduct can change over the course of the event, from enjoyable to humorous to annoying. Worse yet, it might pass through several types of bothersome, boorish or disruptive conduct. Some behavior is much worse than others, and should be remembered so that you might not invite these people to future events.
What to do with those disruptive guests? For each of these types of guests, once they become a detriment to the party, take them aside, mention their offending actions, and ask them to moderate their behavior.
If there is an alternate suggestion, it is listed after “What else you might try” following the description.
Attention Whore – This person feels the need to be at or near the center of attention in their immediate circle for most of the event. If the stories are interesting, it can be tolerated for a while. But, invariably, the incessant stories and conversation turns insipid and becomes distracting then annoying, and detracts from the general enjoyment. At the dinner table, when guests cannot flee, this becomes a problem. What else you might try – As the host, at the dinner table, you should gently tell that guest that other people should lead the conversation. If this person does not get the hint, change the topic of conversation each time this person begins talking.
Chick Repellant – This is the male friend who is usually too arrogant and otherwise off-putting to keep a woman’s attention for any length of time, but is usually well-behaved, and physically attractive and wealthy enough, or a good enough friend, to keep inviting. What else you might try – Unless they morph into the Misanthrope or the Social Hand Grenade (see below), this person can be great to have around, as you will seem much more suave, sensitive and interesting by comparison.
The DJ – This is the person who has to play his – it is usually a he – choice of your music, or just his music, much to your consternation, especially if he plays the music too loudly or happens to find the most inappropriate music from your collection. What else you might try – If this might be a problem, if still utilizing CDs, only put out those CDs that you want played during your party. Maybe just burn several CDs for the party, and hide the rest of your music. Otherwise, you might want to ask him not to mess with the music anymore. You can also make sure that you have possession of the stereo’s remote control and can adjust the volume down at the very least.
Dog Person – This person tends to bring their dog when it is not entirely appropriate, especially when it is an indoors setting, and then usually expect you to find space, water and sometimes even food for their canine compatriots. What else you might try – The dog is already at your place and you will have already been asked for water and space for the dog. If the dog becomes a nuisance, mention that subtly to the owner. If the owner still does not get the hint, suggest more directly that they remove the dog.
Dork – This person is socially inept, but not offensive. What else you might try – Introduce them to their brethren, which should be seated out of the way of the rest of the guests, “Have you met Mohammed, Sidney, Clayton and Jugdish? Good. You’ll have plenty to talk about.” Or, send them to the store to get things, maybe even more than once.
The Downer – This is the person that needs to explain their problems or current state of woe to as many people as possible, and becomes antithetical to any kind of celebratory mood. Parties, and most social gatherings, even wakes (especially involving someone of Irish descent), are an escape from the humdrum of everyday life. These people can dampen your party. What else you might try – If this person exhibits this behavior consistently, try not to invite them. Otherwise, try to maneuver them into a small space or a corner where they can do much less harm.
Drama Queen – This person, female or male, usually will draw attention to themselves by noticeably complaining about their current pitiable state. The martyr is a role they often try to play. In addition to changing the tenor of your party, they can be generally annoying. What else you might try – These are terrible guests, and a significant show of rudeness might be necessary when admonishing them not to exhibit this behavior at your party.
Drunk, Happy – This person becomes obviously drunk during the party while remaining in a good mood. This person can often remain or become an enjoyable guest, as the butt of jokes, or otherwise. What else you might try – Make sure this person has a ride home, and encourage him or her to depart under assistance, if possible. Or, conversely you can let him or her “rest” on a sofa or chair somewhat out of the way.
Drunk, Obnoxious – This is a common sight at almost any social event that lasts several hours and the drinks are flowing readily. This person, who may or may not be an ass when sober, becomes one when imbibing past their limit. At this point this person is a drag on the party, or at least his immediate area. This person is one that you will want to watch. They have potential for property damage and carnage, especially if they get behind the wheel. What else you might try – Make sure this person has a ride home, and encourage him or her to depart under assistance, if possible. Unfortunately, coffee will only make him more wide awake. Food will help a little, but time is the only cure, which will hopefully be taken away from your event.
Drunk, Sad – This person gets drunk, complains about their lot in life, and then sobs loudly making everyone around uncomfortable at first, then annoyed. What else you might try – This person is huge downer for the party, even worse than The Downer. Try to arrange a ride for this person and get them away from your party as quickly as possible. Try not to invite in the future.
Drunk, Sleeping – They get drunk, sit, get comfortable then fall asleep and stay asleep. What else you might try – Usually not a problem provided there is a place for them to sleep in peace, if they don’t snore too loudly, and have eventual transportation home. It’s also a good, if somewhat immature, idea to have markers handy and placed next to Sleeping Beauty. Your other guests can scribble their appreciation or other thoughtful suggestions on this person.
Drunk, Violent – This person gets drunk then belligerent. And, nothing can ruin a party more quickly than a fight. What else you might try – Though two of these can be a source of entertainment during your event, provided their belligerence is directed toward each other, it’s best to get these people to leave. If that does not work, with another trustworthy guest or two explain that violence will not be tolerated, and possibly escort this person from the party. If all else fails you might want to call the police. You don’t want them to drive, so arrange for someone to take them away, if not the police.
Drunk, Vomiting – This person is drunk as hell, and throwing up. What else you might try – Before they pass out, ask if this person is a drummer in a rock band. If so, they are probably a goner. Otherwise, have one of their friends take care of them, and try to get them to depart.
Embarrassing Relative – Due to a coincidence in travel schedules, you sometimes have to invite the creepy uncle or the cousin with the Obi Wan Kenobi wristwatch who dispenses wisdom from Yoda, or explains the best way to toss twelve-sided dice. These persons quite often fall into one of the other categories of disruptive guests, but a relative of the host gives them special status among the guests and a certain amount of immunity. What else you might try – If possible try to prepare your guests as best as possible, but you still might have to apologize profusely afterwards. Try to maneuver your relative into an out-of-the-way corner or into the shadows, or introduce them to someone who can help mitigate their effect on the rest of the party.
The Ex – If you are both still single and physically attracted to each other and on civil terms, this can be a good opportunity to revisit at least one aspect of your old relationship. Otherwise, this can be a big hassle. What else you might try – If the breakup was amicable, or mostly amicable, be the bigger person, smile, make eye contact and try to say “hello.” This will save your other guests from potential drama.
The Fighting Couple – Though maybe not as loud, or able to consume as much alcohol or as literate as Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in the film version of Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, these people can be annoying to the other guests. What else you might try – Interject a joke to demonstrate that people are aware of their “issues” and hopefully snap them back to reality and conviviality.
The Groper – Sometimes a male guest gets too friendly, much to the annoyance of a female guest or several. What else you might try – It’s a good idea to eject them from the party soon after the infraction, provided he hasn’t already been assaulted by the woman’s husband or boyfriend.
The Ideologue – This is the person that is always spouting their political, religious or philosophical views – usually very extreme – in purely social situations. What else you might try – First, mention out loud that it’s not polite or good for parties to talk about politics or religion. Maybe say this with a sly smile, maybe not. If the person continues in obnoxious fashion, mention that statement more directly, and maybe send them to another part of the room or another room to get a drink or food.
Keg Fly – You should remember this character from your college days. This is the person, most often male, who hangs around the keg (or it might be your bar, now), not mixing with many other guests, then usually drinks too much and can become obnoxious to the female guests. This person might also be wasting a lot of your beer. What else you might try – Try to get them to mix with the other guests, unless you believe they are mostly harmless, just hanging around the keg or the bar. You might also want to ensure they are not pouring lots of foam (which is beer) away.
Kissing Bandit – This is most often a woman who needs or courts attention and will make out with more than one guy at the party. She is usually drunk and has recently broken up with her boyfriend. What else you might try – This person can be fun to have provided the other women (and especially yours) don’t find out or get too upset. Otherwise, you might have to ask this woman to leave.
Misanthrope – This is a very negative person that seems to find fault with nearly everything, and can change the mood of your party. In hip-hop parlance this person is a hater. What else you might try – Try not to invite this fool. If they find their way onto your guest list and into your party, try to improve their spirits by complimenting them: their outfit, some recent success, etc. You might want to stretch the truth, if necessary. If this does not work, and if their poisonous personality continues, encourage them to leave.
Needy Guest – This is typically a friend or co-worker who unnecessarily demands attention from other guests, and too often you as the host, much to the detriment of your enjoyment and your duties as a host. What else you might try – Tell them, in so many words, but maybe somewhat sugar-coated, “Listen, loser, fend for yourself. I have to act as host.” Continually excuse yourself from this person, and profess how busy you are tending to the needs of the other guests.
Party Coach – If not the host, this person often acts as the surrogate, and tries to get guests to play games and do things. This is usually a control freak, and can typically only work effectively (and so, annoyingly) in smaller groups.
Party Crasher – Our view is that attractive women never fit into this category, unless it is an ex-girlfriend, of course. What else you might try – If the person does not fall into this category, you might want to question them so they become uncomfortable. Try to ensure they don’t get near the expensive drinks and the best food. And, you might have to end up asking them to leave, politely, or not.
The Photographer – Though photos from your event are usually a good idea, sometimes it goes too far. This is the person who far too often tries to assemble people together for a photo to the detriment of the flow of the party. What else you might try – You might simply announce there is a moratorium on photographs.
PDA Couple – Sometimes a couple engages in public displays of affection (PDA) too readily and inappropriately. It’s tough to keep them involved in the conversation if their lips are too often locked together. What else you might try – Try to shame them into keeping their physical attraction more private.
The Salesperson – This person, quite often an insurance agent or an independent financial analyst (or worst, a multi-level marketing company), usually interjects business into a purely social situation when it’s not appropriate. This person is busy thrusting business cards on unwilling guests, and trying to network and sell, which can change the tone of your event. What else you might try – If this becomes an annoyance, simply ask the offender to stop. Try not to invite this person in the future, if they don’t seem to get it.
The Slut – This is typically the woman that not very discreetly hits on married guys. What else you might try – Depending on your relationship status and your outlook, this guest could be very welcome.
Social Hand Grenade – The person, usually male, is very adept at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, usually many times, during the event. This person is an aggressive dork. What else you might try – Try to keep this idiot away from your boss, your boss’ wife, the girlfriend of the guy on steroids, or anyone that you yourself might have an interest in. If you should happen to overhear or witness this person’s moronic banter or behavior, be sure to degrade them swiftly and with fervor, so to shut them up. It might work.
Space Invader – This person ignores the North American rules of interpersonal space to cause discomfort. These are usually harmless, though often annoying.
The Storyteller – This is the person who tries to be the center of attention with their overly long, and at often times, boring story.
The Television Tyrant – This is the husband or boyfriend who needs, needs, to catch the game because it’s a big game or he just want to interact with anyone at the party. What else you might try – This is usually a harmless offense and can be ignored, unless the television is in the middle of the action or is needed for something else, like music. If you cannot direct them to a back room with a television you will need to be firm with them; to the point of rudeness, if necessary, as it is unlikely you really wanted them there in the first place.
The Thing that Wouldn’t Leave – This is the person that is seemingly clueless when it comes to understanding that it’s time to leave. What else you might try – Put them to work at first. If they are still around when you want to retire, tell them to get out. Maybe nicely, maybe not.
Wallflower – This person is usually a good person, as you invited them for a reason, usually since you enjoy their company in some circumstances, but are just shy in the presence of people they do not know. What else you might try – Introduce them to others. Help them to their feet like a child taking their first steps. Or, begin the intoxication process and push them into the mix.
Weirdo – This person is a similar to The Dork, but stranger, and usually more off-putting. What else you might try – If it’s certain in your mind that this person is incapable of mixing well with your other guests that evening, don’t waste more of your time with them, ignore them, and hope they will not stay much longer.
With this chapter, we try to identify some of the types of potentially disruptive guests that we have seen over the years, fairly humorously and in our opinionated fashion, without too much offense. Then we recommend an action on your part to mitigate their deleterious effect on your party. These people might be friends, or friends of friends (or possibly you, but it’s your party), who exhibit this behavior on a regular basis in social situations, or it could be one-off conduct induced by too many party beverages. It’s useful to note that a guest’s conduct can change over the course of the event, from enjoyable to humorous to annoying. Worse yet, it might pass through several types of bothersome, boorish or disruptive conduct. Some behavior is much worse than others, and should be remembered so that you might not invite these people to future events.
What to do with those disruptive guests? For each of these types of guests, once they become a detriment to the party, take them aside, mention their offending actions, and ask them to moderate their behavior.
If there is an alternate suggestion, it is listed after “What else you might try” following the description.
Attention Whore – This person feels the need to be at or near the center of attention in their immediate circle for most of the event. If the stories are interesting, it can be tolerated for a while. But, invariably, the incessant stories and conversation turns insipid and becomes distracting then annoying, and detracts from the general enjoyment. At the dinner table, when guests cannot flee, this becomes a problem. What else you might try – As the host, at the dinner table, you should gently tell that guest that other people should lead the conversation. If this person does not get the hint, change the topic of conversation each time this person begins talking.
Chick Repellant – This is the male friend who is usually too arrogant and otherwise off-putting to keep a woman’s attention for any length of time, but is usually well-behaved, and physically attractive and wealthy enough, or a good enough friend, to keep inviting. What else you might try – Unless they morph into the Misanthrope or the Social Hand Grenade (see below), this person can be great to have around, as you will seem much more suave, sensitive and interesting by comparison.
The DJ – This is the person who has to play his – it is usually a he – choice of your music, or just his music, much to your consternation, especially if he plays the music too loudly or happens to find the most inappropriate music from your collection. What else you might try – If this might be a problem, if still utilizing CDs, only put out those CDs that you want played during your party. Maybe just burn several CDs for the party, and hide the rest of your music. Otherwise, you might want to ask him not to mess with the music anymore. You can also make sure that you have possession of the stereo’s remote control and can adjust the volume down at the very least.
Dog Person – This person tends to bring their dog when it is not entirely appropriate, especially when it is an indoors setting, and then usually expect you to find space, water and sometimes even food for their canine compatriots. What else you might try – The dog is already at your place and you will have already been asked for water and space for the dog. If the dog becomes a nuisance, mention that subtly to the owner. If the owner still does not get the hint, suggest more directly that they remove the dog.
Dork – This person is socially inept, but not offensive. What else you might try – Introduce them to their brethren, which should be seated out of the way of the rest of the guests, “Have you met Mohammed, Sidney, Clayton and Jugdish? Good. You’ll have plenty to talk about.” Or, send them to the store to get things, maybe even more than once.
The Downer – This is the person that needs to explain their problems or current state of woe to as many people as possible, and becomes antithetical to any kind of celebratory mood. Parties, and most social gatherings, even wakes (especially involving someone of Irish descent), are an escape from the humdrum of everyday life. These people can dampen your party. What else you might try – If this person exhibits this behavior consistently, try not to invite them. Otherwise, try to maneuver them into a small space or a corner where they can do much less harm.
Drama Queen – This person, female or male, usually will draw attention to themselves by noticeably complaining about their current pitiable state. The martyr is a role they often try to play. In addition to changing the tenor of your party, they can be generally annoying. What else you might try – These are terrible guests, and a significant show of rudeness might be necessary when admonishing them not to exhibit this behavior at your party.
Drunk, Happy – This person becomes obviously drunk during the party while remaining in a good mood. This person can often remain or become an enjoyable guest, as the butt of jokes, or otherwise. What else you might try – Make sure this person has a ride home, and encourage him or her to depart under assistance, if possible. Or, conversely you can let him or her “rest” on a sofa or chair somewhat out of the way.
Drunk, Obnoxious – This is a common sight at almost any social event that lasts several hours and the drinks are flowing readily. This person, who may or may not be an ass when sober, becomes one when imbibing past their limit. At this point this person is a drag on the party, or at least his immediate area. This person is one that you will want to watch. They have potential for property damage and carnage, especially if they get behind the wheel. What else you might try – Make sure this person has a ride home, and encourage him or her to depart under assistance, if possible. Unfortunately, coffee will only make him more wide awake. Food will help a little, but time is the only cure, which will hopefully be taken away from your event.
Drunk, Sad – This person gets drunk, complains about their lot in life, and then sobs loudly making everyone around uncomfortable at first, then annoyed. What else you might try – This person is huge downer for the party, even worse than The Downer. Try to arrange a ride for this person and get them away from your party as quickly as possible. Try not to invite in the future.
Drunk, Sleeping – They get drunk, sit, get comfortable then fall asleep and stay asleep. What else you might try – Usually not a problem provided there is a place for them to sleep in peace, if they don’t snore too loudly, and have eventual transportation home. It’s also a good, if somewhat immature, idea to have markers handy and placed next to Sleeping Beauty. Your other guests can scribble their appreciation or other thoughtful suggestions on this person.
Drunk, Violent – This person gets drunk then belligerent. And, nothing can ruin a party more quickly than a fight. What else you might try – Though two of these can be a source of entertainment during your event, provided their belligerence is directed toward each other, it’s best to get these people to leave. If that does not work, with another trustworthy guest or two explain that violence will not be tolerated, and possibly escort this person from the party. If all else fails you might want to call the police. You don’t want them to drive, so arrange for someone to take them away, if not the police.
Drunk, Vomiting – This person is drunk as hell, and throwing up. What else you might try – Before they pass out, ask if this person is a drummer in a rock band. If so, they are probably a goner. Otherwise, have one of their friends take care of them, and try to get them to depart.
Embarrassing Relative – Due to a coincidence in travel schedules, you sometimes have to invite the creepy uncle or the cousin with the Obi Wan Kenobi wristwatch who dispenses wisdom from Yoda, or explains the best way to toss twelve-sided dice. These persons quite often fall into one of the other categories of disruptive guests, but a relative of the host gives them special status among the guests and a certain amount of immunity. What else you might try – If possible try to prepare your guests as best as possible, but you still might have to apologize profusely afterwards. Try to maneuver your relative into an out-of-the-way corner or into the shadows, or introduce them to someone who can help mitigate their effect on the rest of the party.
The Ex – If you are both still single and physically attracted to each other and on civil terms, this can be a good opportunity to revisit at least one aspect of your old relationship. Otherwise, this can be a big hassle. What else you might try – If the breakup was amicable, or mostly amicable, be the bigger person, smile, make eye contact and try to say “hello.” This will save your other guests from potential drama.
The Fighting Couple – Though maybe not as loud, or able to consume as much alcohol or as literate as Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in the film version of Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, these people can be annoying to the other guests. What else you might try – Interject a joke to demonstrate that people are aware of their “issues” and hopefully snap them back to reality and conviviality.
The Groper – Sometimes a male guest gets too friendly, much to the annoyance of a female guest or several. What else you might try – It’s a good idea to eject them from the party soon after the infraction, provided he hasn’t already been assaulted by the woman’s husband or boyfriend.
The Ideologue – This is the person that is always spouting their political, religious or philosophical views – usually very extreme – in purely social situations. What else you might try – First, mention out loud that it’s not polite or good for parties to talk about politics or religion. Maybe say this with a sly smile, maybe not. If the person continues in obnoxious fashion, mention that statement more directly, and maybe send them to another part of the room or another room to get a drink or food.
Keg Fly – You should remember this character from your college days. This is the person, most often male, who hangs around the keg (or it might be your bar, now), not mixing with many other guests, then usually drinks too much and can become obnoxious to the female guests. This person might also be wasting a lot of your beer. What else you might try – Try to get them to mix with the other guests, unless you believe they are mostly harmless, just hanging around the keg or the bar. You might also want to ensure they are not pouring lots of foam (which is beer) away.
Kissing Bandit – This is most often a woman who needs or courts attention and will make out with more than one guy at the party. She is usually drunk and has recently broken up with her boyfriend. What else you might try – This person can be fun to have provided the other women (and especially yours) don’t find out or get too upset. Otherwise, you might have to ask this woman to leave.
Misanthrope – This is a very negative person that seems to find fault with nearly everything, and can change the mood of your party. In hip-hop parlance this person is a hater. What else you might try – Try not to invite this fool. If they find their way onto your guest list and into your party, try to improve their spirits by complimenting them: their outfit, some recent success, etc. You might want to stretch the truth, if necessary. If this does not work, and if their poisonous personality continues, encourage them to leave.
Needy Guest – This is typically a friend or co-worker who unnecessarily demands attention from other guests, and too often you as the host, much to the detriment of your enjoyment and your duties as a host. What else you might try – Tell them, in so many words, but maybe somewhat sugar-coated, “Listen, loser, fend for yourself. I have to act as host.” Continually excuse yourself from this person, and profess how busy you are tending to the needs of the other guests.
Party Coach – If not the host, this person often acts as the surrogate, and tries to get guests to play games and do things. This is usually a control freak, and can typically only work effectively (and so, annoyingly) in smaller groups.
Party Crasher – Our view is that attractive women never fit into this category, unless it is an ex-girlfriend, of course. What else you might try – If the person does not fall into this category, you might want to question them so they become uncomfortable. Try to ensure they don’t get near the expensive drinks and the best food. And, you might have to end up asking them to leave, politely, or not.
The Photographer – Though photos from your event are usually a good idea, sometimes it goes too far. This is the person who far too often tries to assemble people together for a photo to the detriment of the flow of the party. What else you might try – You might simply announce there is a moratorium on photographs.
PDA Couple – Sometimes a couple engages in public displays of affection (PDA) too readily and inappropriately. It’s tough to keep them involved in the conversation if their lips are too often locked together. What else you might try – Try to shame them into keeping their physical attraction more private.
The Salesperson – This person, quite often an insurance agent or an independent financial analyst (or worst, a multi-level marketing company), usually interjects business into a purely social situation when it’s not appropriate. This person is busy thrusting business cards on unwilling guests, and trying to network and sell, which can change the tone of your event. What else you might try – If this becomes an annoyance, simply ask the offender to stop. Try not to invite this person in the future, if they don’t seem to get it.
The Slut – This is typically the woman that not very discreetly hits on married guys. What else you might try – Depending on your relationship status and your outlook, this guest could be very welcome.
Social Hand Grenade – The person, usually male, is very adept at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, usually many times, during the event. This person is an aggressive dork. What else you might try – Try to keep this idiot away from your boss, your boss’ wife, the girlfriend of the guy on steroids, or anyone that you yourself might have an interest in. If you should happen to overhear or witness this person’s moronic banter or behavior, be sure to degrade them swiftly and with fervor, so to shut them up. It might work.
Space Invader – This person ignores the North American rules of interpersonal space to cause discomfort. These are usually harmless, though often annoying.
The Storyteller – This is the person who tries to be the center of attention with their overly long, and at often times, boring story.
The Television Tyrant – This is the husband or boyfriend who needs, needs, to catch the game because it’s a big game or he just want to interact with anyone at the party. What else you might try – This is usually a harmless offense and can be ignored, unless the television is in the middle of the action or is needed for something else, like music. If you cannot direct them to a back room with a television you will need to be firm with them; to the point of rudeness, if necessary, as it is unlikely you really wanted them there in the first place.
The Thing that Wouldn’t Leave – This is the person that is seemingly clueless when it comes to understanding that it’s time to leave. What else you might try – Put them to work at first. If they are still around when you want to retire, tell them to get out. Maybe nicely, maybe not.
Wallflower – This person is usually a good person, as you invited them for a reason, usually since you enjoy their company in some circumstances, but are just shy in the presence of people they do not know. What else you might try – Introduce them to others. Help them to their feet like a child taking their first steps. Or, begin the intoxication process and push them into the mix.
Weirdo – This person is a similar to The Dork, but stranger, and usually more off-putting. What else you might try – If it’s certain in your mind that this person is incapable of mixing well with your other guests that evening, don’t waste more of your time with them, ignore them, and hope they will not stay much longer.
